Many years ago, I watched a movie. It was called, So I Married an Axe Murderer. Well, in the movie, starring Mike Meyers, his character’s mother is fanatical about reading “The Paper,” which is the equivalent of the National Enquirer. Anyway, his mom believes EVERYTHING in the paper. For example: Aliens are living next door, Elvis is hiding in Wisconsin, eating potatoes will cure all skin ailments, etc, etc. This was particularly hilarious to me, because I have a mother who also believed much that she read in the paper. Granted, she didn’t read the Enquirer, but she might as well have.
She, and my father, were always trying to scare us. During thunderstorms, we were told to stay away from windows, refrain from talking on the phone, and forget about taking a bath or shower. We might be electrocuted. We should keep away from the windows when someone was mowing the lawn. Something might come in and kill us. We should never go outside barefooted. We might get worms in our feet. Don’t do this….you might get lock jaw. Don’t do that….someone will kidnap you. It didn’t matter that statistically, we had a better chance of winning the lottery, even though we weren’t even old enough to buy a ticket. It didn’t matter that we never actually heard of these things happening to anyone in real life. It just happened once somewhere in the world and my mom read about it, and therefore it could happen to us next. We’d better watch out. And to think this paranoia was before the advent of the world wide web. Just imagine the stories she reads now!
Just the other day my mom told me about a boy who asphyxiated from using too much spray deodorant. She told my boys…Don’t pick your nose. You’ll get cancer. 555 We love you mom. The funny thing is that this day, today, I mentioned to my husband that I thought we should get a lava lamp. He didn’t know what that was, so I told him to google it. A while later, I get this message:
In 2004, Phillip Quinn, a 24-year-old of Kent, Washington, was killed during an attempt to heat up a lava lamp on his kitchen stove while closely observing it from only a few feet away. The heat from the stove built up pressure in the lamp until it exploded, spraying shards of glass with enough force to pierce his chest, with one shard piercing his heart and causing fatal injuries. The circumstances of his death were later repeated and confirmed in a 2006 episode of the popular science television series MythBusters. The show also proved that even if shards of glass are not thrown with lethal velocity during such an attempt, the resulting spray of hot liquid from the lamp could easily cause severe burns to anyone nearby. The show also noted that the safety instructions clearly state that lava lamps should not be heated by any source other than the specially-designed bulbs and bases that are provided. According to the TV show 1000 Ways to Die, a man suffered a similar fate in 1992.
I think he’s been talking to my mom.
I think I need a vacation.